Where Surrender Lives

The story of these flowers defies natural law. Now I’m not a botanist, but it is my understanding that non-blooming bulbs aka widows do not just up and decide to bloom on a whim. If they are widows, they remain as such.

These flowers are different. After four years, they decided to surrender to the beauty of themselves this year. They showed up in a completely different form. And for that, I am most grateful.

We can learn a lot from nature.

The axis of our power lies in our surrender. How often have we pushed things to the limit, only to be left depleted, exhausted and burned? While our culture rewards those who go faster, higher and longer, it isn’t healthy. It’s a lie to live that way. We have limits and it’s time we recognize them.

When we surrender to any given moment, to the “What Is” in our lives, we become fuller, richer and more available to possibility. The amazing thing is that when we surrender to what is, we expand to limitless possibilities. So the very thing that keeps us from experiencing no limitations is the thing we attempt to apply to reach that state.

It is a paradox. I know. And it is the truth.

Imagine your life without all that pushing, striving, hunting and gathering. Consider a world in which you plant a seed, then watch it grow. Dip, bend, plant, rise up. That is the motion that informs effortlessness.

Surrender is a beautiful word. It implies totally release to the tensions of our days. It allows us to soar to higher ground by the sheer act of letting go. Surrender also indicates acceptance, no matter what is happening now. Getting into that empowered head space may not come naturally to you, but it is possible.

Start by asking yourself what you are withholding? Is it your love for another? Is it your anger, frustration, fear? We all hold on to things at times, whether it is a grudge, resentment or the fear of imperfection.

Surrender yourselves to all those levels of emotion. When you do, you will find an expanse so rich that you will be liberated to receive the very things you were striving for. Only this time, you need do nothing at all.

The phrase “Go for it” gets lifted from your vocabulary because there is nowhere to go. You need not hasten to the next thing. It will come to you.

Since life, like the planet, moves in circular motion, what you put out there will return ~ perhaps in a new form, but it will be there for you to embrace with all your might.

What is required is trust in its simplest form.

How will you surrender today?

 

A Message for All of Humanity

The kingdom of God resides within us all. Whatever your belief system is, know this: you can change the world. In fact, you do every day, with every action, with every encounter. All that you need already lies within you. The question is how will you change the world today?

Here’s Charlie Chaplin’s suggestion. I agree. Do you?

How to Build Beautiful Boundaries

Say what?

Huh?

You gotta be kidding me!?

Those are all ways of saying ‘no’. They may not be eloquent choices, but they get the job done. If you have trouble being that direct (and most of us do), there are gentler versions of ‘no’ that can be equally effective without the collatoral damage to your relationships. At any rate, one can consider the word ‘no’ as a powerful way to say ‘yes’ to yourself.

Building boundaries that empower you while encouraging others to respect you is a none too easy task, especially for the people-pleasers among us. It has been proven, however, that always saying ‘yes’ to others can lead to conditions as severe as burnout and depression.

Cyndi Dale and Andrew Wald recently penned a book called Togetherness: Creating and Deepening Sustainable Love that shows readers how to set personal boundaries that will actually strengthen personal relationships. According to the authors, saying ‘no’ helps us to figure out who we are and who we want to be in our relationships. By setting boundaries, we keep our personal identities alive — and our personal relationships honest, balanced, and intact.

To directly quote Tina Turner: What does love have to do with it? In a word, everything.

Self-love is not narcissism. It’s a life-sustaining force. The authors offer several ways to build beautiful boundaries to let love in ~both from others and from ourselves.

How you are going to say ‘yes’ to yourself today?

What Do Your Boundaries Say About You?
By Cyndi Dale and Andrew Wald
Adapted from Togetherness: Creating and Deepening Sustainable Love

In our lives — and in relationships — we create personal boundaries to define the space we call our own. We set boundaries and say “no” with our words, but even more so with our behavior and actions: we may tell white lies, come up with excuses, or throw ourselves into activities like work, working out, or volunteering — essentially creating boundaries by making ourselves unavailable.

Boundaries may sound negative, but in reality, they are very important and help to define our personal identities. For example, being the nurturer or a people-pleaser comes with boundaries that fit those roles. Being the boss or the guru comes with a different set of boundaries that keep those identities intact. In this sense, personal boundaries allow us to “locate” ourselves within relationships (or within the world) in a way that’s familiar and safe. Our boundaries help us to honor the balance between taking care of ourselves, and taking care of others.

Here are four practices that will empower you to update your personal boundaries and take ownership of your life:

Honor yourself. What parts of your life are in need of care or attention? On a daily basis, find simple ways to honor yourself. Choose three things you like doing every day, and then do them. You might pick something as simple as taking a walk, reading, or having lunch with family or friends. Whatever you choose, know that you deserve to have pleasure, so let pleasure be your guide.

Soothe yourself. Are you living the life you want to live? Or do you feel like you are stuck and don’t have a choice in what’s happening? In these moments, stop and recognize the feeling of “choiceless­ness,” check your assumptions, and acknowledge the needs and desires you’re afraid won’t get met. With practice, you will find that cultivating the awareness of choice is profoundly soothing to your soul.

Embrace choice. Every time we make a decision, we have an opportunity to determine a course of action: “Do I stay here and face the situation, or do I run out the door?” By recognizing that you have control over your own reactions, you’ll also have the opportunity to reinforce, change, or alter your boundaries.

Accept yourself and your life lessons. Shame and disappointment about our lives causes us to create false boundaries and interactions with the people we care about most. It’s important to accept who you are and what has happened in your life. When faced with a challenge or disappointment, ask yourself: “What is my lesson here? How is this challenge a way for my soul to grow?” Use your answers to create boundaries that reflect acceptance of your true self.

*****
Cyndi Dale is an internationally respected author, cross-cultural healer, and spiritual scholar with over 35,000 client sessions and trainings across Europe, Asia, and the Americas. Andrew Wald, LCSW-C, is a psychotherapist with advanced certifications in Imago Relationship Therapy, Gestalt Therapy, and Neuro-Linguistic Programming. Together, they have co-authored the new book, Togetherness: Creating and Deepening Sustainable Love (June 2012).

On Following Your Dreams

Kevin Clash, a young African-American puppeteer growing up in the 1970s, didn’t let the obstacles of poverty stand in the way of his dream to work with Jim Henson. His passion for bringing characters to life can be seen in everything he does. You may not know Kevin’s name, but you do know the embodiment of him: Elmo.

In a new documentary about Kevin’s life, Being Elmo is a moving tribute to the human spirit. As we the viewers watch Kevin’s journey unfold, we are able to relate to the obstacles that life affords us all. In Kevin’s case, he didn’t listen to the naysayers. He had one vision: to work on Sesame Street. Lucky for us, his dream came true. But also at a personal cost.

Meeting the demands of being Elmo is not always easy, and Kevin spent most of his time away from his family to make millions of other kids happy. At one point in the documentary, we are shown a scene from his daughter’s Sweet 16 birthday party. He gets several celebrities to wish his daughter, Shannon, a happy birthday on film. We watch as he sheds a tear or two and we are confronted with his sense of loss at the years he wasn’t there for her. For a brief moment in time, we are invited into the fantasy world of puppetry and the sacrifice of being in such demand. It is an incredibly moving film that the entire family can enjoy. I highly recommend it!

Terror has no place here

If you have a living memory of this day ten years ago, it is a day you will never forget. The atrocities, the suffering, the heroism and the long-lasting impact of September 11th have forever marked our world’s landscape.

It was also the day that air travel changed. Forever.

For anyone who has had to nearly disrobe at security, suffer the scrutinizing scorn of a guard who thinks your ten-year-old might be hiding something under his hat or feel the pervasive insecurity of being airborne for, you hope, the entire flight, the wave of terror still rings in our ears.

You may have watched the tributes, read the decade-later stories or even attended a commemorative service today. But one thing I would like to mention is that humanity lives on — even in the face of such inhumane events.

When my son boarded a United Airlines flight from Las Vegas to Chicago recently, he proudly wore his pilot’s hat. The stewardess suggested we meet the captain at the end of the flight. I thought perhaps he would come out of the cockpit and meet us in the safety of the jetway. But no, he invited us into the cockpit itself. I got to take a picture of my son sitting in the co-pilot’s seat. I even was allowed to flip a few switches to which the pilot mock-yelled “Don’t touch that one!” after I had. I jumped a foot in the air (which is hard to do in the confines of a cockpit). He was as kind as could be and even though we had under sixty minutes to meet our connection to Munich, I took the time because I wasn’t sure if my son would ever get to live in a world that allowed this again.

The kindness of the United Airlines folks goes further. Because a gate crew member reminded my husband that his frequent flyer miles had not yet been recorded, Husband asked for the crew to record his miles at the gate in Chicago. And from that request came another offer, this time from Lufthansa (our connecting airline): a free upgrade to Business Class, which Husband graciously offered to me.

Kindness goes around and around, from the ground crew to the air crew to the next one at O’Hare.

There is humanity in this world, even at airports and on airplanes. Terror has no place where love can grow so beautifully. And it can grow anywhere. Even in a cockpit four feet wide.

The Power of Words

The pen is mightier than the sword. That’s a saying that struck a chord in my young mind so many years ago. Words can kill. Words can heal. Words are beauty and grace and love. Words are ugliness and dishonor and hatred. Words can move mountains or slay you with a single utterance.

BeliefNet just published a series of inspirational quotes from some amazing women who have found profound words to express their own experience. This one particular quote rang so true for me that I’m sharing it with you.

“Your own words are the bricks and mortar of the dreams you want to realize. Your words are the greatest power you have. The words you choose and their use establish the life you experience.”  ~ Sonia Croquette

So if you say “I am out of time,” you are right. If you say “I have more than enough,” you are right again.

If you live within the abundance of the moment, even the most painful, darkest ones, you will know that you are living full out and that you are the creator of that moment by the mere choice you make in how you wish to interpret it.

Today’s slow action: Take a moment to say something kind to someone. It could make all the difference in the world.

 

What’s in a name?

A recent discussion with friends at breakfast got me to thinking. Why do we use nicknames?

One of the couples said they are calling their baby daughter by her name only. They don’t believe in pet names for whatever reason. I, on the other hand, use pet names to express a closeness and contextuality.

For instance, my husband is Andreas to the rest of the world. I only call him that, thereby lumping me together with said world, when I’m either mad or other people are within earshot. Otherwise,  I have an array of names to express the situation. The same applies to him. I always know he’s about to ask me something a tad tenuous when he addresses me with ‘Babu’ ~when he had a business trip to Malta, for example, he called me that (I ended up tagging along! )

My kids have a variety of nicknames as well. To protect the innocent, I won’t, well, name them here.

Words have great power and how we choose to use them makes a difference. Just looking at all the names for God gives us pause to think about the meaning of names.

I always know when I let someone into my heart ~ it’s the moment  I find a nickname for that person. It usually unfolds naturally. My dear actor friend is ‘lovey dovey’, for instance.

Words are the ties that bind. And names matter. As Shakespeare’s Juliet so rightly said, “

“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose

By any other name would smell as sweet.”

So, what’s in your name?

In my book, everything that makes you special to that other person.

You’re grounded!

Being grounded, not in the teenage-uh-oh-mom-caught-me-doing-something sense of the word, but standing in the delicious centeredness of the here and now, is an enviable place to be.

My husband is the most centered person I know. Little sways his oak tree solidness to the left or right. He skates through life with an equinimity I’ve never seen in another human being. He is Mr. Placid to the nth degree.

So when I find myself in the fretting hour, typically a pre-dawn angst that sometimes grabs my attention at 4 a.m. (did you remember the kids’ lunch money? Don’t forget today’s conference call!), I reach for his feet and stack them against mine.

Last night I nuzzled close because I couldn’t find his feet. At that point, after several moments of wakefulness, I reasoned that any part of his warmth would do. But as it goes, when you’ve been married for as long as we have, he instinctively offered up his flippers in mid-snooze. I immediately felt the groundedness and goodness he embodies and fell fast asleep.

Getting grounded is an important activity. It can aid in your productivity like nothing else. So the next time your world goes topsy-turvey, what grounding strategies will you employ?

Desiderata Days ~ Self-Love

In the time of self-loathing, we are due for some serious self-love. We are enough ~ we are more than enough!

Max Ehrmann says:

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

Oftentimes we feel we have to do everything at once ~ be svelt, lovely, sparkly, efficient, joyful, reliable, punctual…the list goes on and on. Celebrate your life with kindness for yourself. When you are gentle to yourself, others will gravitate to you. Remember to let them in as you see fit and on your terms. Part of self-love is honoring your boundaries as you honor yourself.

Getting Closure

Recently, my friend Lissa Coffey sent me her new book, Closure. I finished reading it in Malta, but the impact of the book’s message has stayed with me. As our relationships take on new form, we often need closure. Stepping onto the plane Munich-bound, I am reminded that life means change. May you enjoy my review and embrace life’s transitions as an opportunity for growth and renewal!

Closure and the Law of Relationship by Lissa Coffey is one of those books you’ll want to add to your standing library. Why? Because life means change, and this book offers best practices to navigate the waters of relationships that are ever-changing. With actionable items and affirmations at the end of each chapter, this is not just a book for those going through divorce.  CLOSURE examines ways in which we can move through our emotions on any issue to get beyond them. We may have accepted that our parents have divorced, that our best friend has moved to the other side of the Earth or that our kids have left the house for good. But do we really have ‘closure’, that delicious state of full-blown acceptance and honoring of transition for what it truly is: the ability to grow beyond our perceived limits?

From the beginning, Lissa Coffey assures us that our true self never changes, even if our circumstances do. In the eleven chapters, she calls for a mind shift from regret and wanting to acceptance and celebration. In Chapter Three, she addresses friendship. Having come to love her for her amazing talent for selecting just the right quote, I found this one to be particularly eye-opening. It is one of the reasons we have such a hard time letting go of friendships that we wished would last forever. “Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” Anais Nin  In essence, however, Lissa claims we never really lose our relationships. That is perhaps the key argument of the book. They simply change form. If you believe in past lives, you will come to realize you are simply meeting souls you have known all along. If you have ever had a déjà vu moment with someone you’ve just met, you know what she means.

Another particularly helpful philosophy she presents is the notion of agreements. We meet people for a reason, based on an ancient agreement of which we might not even be aware. We come together, fulfill our purpose, and then move forward. She speaks of her miscarriages as an agreement her soul had with the baby’s. What a tremendous way of thinking about tragedy and sorrow! The same thinking applies when one of your loved ones dies. Never flip, Lissa offers ways in which we can work through these feelings by allowing us to feel them completely. It is in the embrace of our negative emotions that our greatest fears are allayed.

We are reminded of our personal responsibility for finding closure. In Chapter Five “Changing Relationships” she writes: “Closure can’t come from any other party. We can’t look to ‘get’ closure from another person. We can only find closure within ourselves.” At the end of this key chapter, she lays out her five step process to gaining closure on any issue that has yet been resolved in our lives.

1. Recognition. It helps to identify what is truly going on within us.
2. Acceptance. We must realize what is. When we embrace it, it loses its power of us.
3. Understanding. We may not truly comprehend everything that has happened, but trust that everything happens for a reason.
4. Integration. As we embrace the change, we can integrate its newness into our lives.
5. Gratitude. We can increase our happiness levels up to 25% by merely expressing our thanks.

 The next five chapters delve into each of the steps. The final chapter, “Coming Full Circle” offers ways to sustain our awareness of life’s preciousness. This book is like a hug from your best friend. It will nurture your soul, life your spirits, and grant you the freedom to live the life you truly deserve. I highly recommend it!