Getting Closure

March 22, 2010

Recently, my friend Lissa Coffey sent me her new book, Closure. I finished reading it in Malta, but the impact of the book’s message has stayed with me. As our relationships take on new form, we often need closure. Stepping onto the plane Munich-bound, I am reminded that life means change. May you enjoy my review and embrace life’s transitions as an opportunity for growth and renewal!

Closure and the Law of Relationship by Lissa Coffey is one of those books you’ll want to add to your standing library. Why? Because life means change, and this book offers best practices to navigate the waters of relationships that are ever-changing. With actionable items and affirmations at the end of each chapter, this is not just a book for those going through divorce.  CLOSURE examines ways in which we can move through our emotions on any issue to get beyond them. We may have accepted that our parents have divorced, that our best friend has moved to the other side of the Earth or that our kids have left the house for good. But do we really have ‘closure’, that delicious state of full-blown acceptance and honoring of transition for what it truly is: the ability to grow beyond our perceived limits?

From the beginning, Lissa Coffey assures us that our true self never changes, even if our circumstances do. In the eleven chapters, she calls for a mind shift from regret and wanting to acceptance and celebration. In Chapter Three, she addresses friendship. Having come to love her for her amazing talent for selecting just the right quote, I found this one to be particularly eye-opening. It is one of the reasons we have such a hard time letting go of friendships that we wished would last forever. “Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” Anais Nin  In essence, however, Lissa claims we never really lose our relationships. That is perhaps the key argument of the book. They simply change form. If you believe in past lives, you will come to realize you are simply meeting souls you have known all along. If you have ever had a déjà vu moment with someone you’ve just met, you know what she means.

Another particularly helpful philosophy she presents is the notion of agreements. We meet people for a reason, based on an ancient agreement of which we might not even be aware. We come together, fulfill our purpose, and then move forward. She speaks of her miscarriages as an agreement her soul had with the baby’s. What a tremendous way of thinking about tragedy and sorrow! The same thinking applies when one of your loved ones dies. Never flip, Lissa offers ways in which we can work through these feelings by allowing us to feel them completely. It is in the embrace of our negative emotions that our greatest fears are allayed.

We are reminded of our personal responsibility for finding closure. In Chapter Five “Changing Relationships” she writes: “Closure can’t come from any other party. We can’t look to ‘get’ closure from another person. We can only find closure within ourselves.” At the end of this key chapter, she lays out her five step process to gaining closure on any issue that has yet been resolved in our lives.

  1. Recognition. It helps to identify what is truly going on within us.
  2. Acceptance. We must realize what is. When we embrace it, it loses its power of us.
  3. Understanding. We may not truly comprehend everything that has happened, but trust that everything happens for a reason.
  4. Integration. As we embrace the change, we can integrate its newness into our lives.
  5. Gratitude. We can increase our happiness levels up to 25% by merely expressing our thanks.

 The next five chapters delve into each of the steps. The final chapter, “Coming Full Circle” offers ways to sustain our awareness of life’s preciousness. This book is like a hug from your best friend. It will nurture your soul, life your spirits, and grant you the freedom to live the life you truly deserve. I highly recommend it!

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